It was just …….. No it was ABUSE!!!!!Posted on March 20, 2011 by Marjorie Hogan
Doesn’t it make you go wild?
You are addressing an abuse situation and people are trying to minimize it by calling it something else when the behaviour is clearly abusive.
Let’s see how many minimizing labels or terms we can think of.
- it was undermining
- just a personality conflict
- she is being difficult
- he is challenging
- it was just discipline
- she/he asked for it
- she/he deserved it
- it was just discussion
- just defending myself
- stop being a drama queen,
- it wasn’t ‘that’ bad
- don’t annoy him
- It was as much my fault as his
- I wound him up/made him angry
- “It’s not like it was rape.”
- ‘you need to be more understanding towards him’
- he had a hard life
- she didn’t know any better
- others experienced worse
- just get over it
- he/she was so young
- Well, he does work really hard to keep food on the table and, pay the bills..I’m just way too sensitive.
I have started using the ‘abuse’ word more and more. We need to call it what it is and not try to diminish abusive actions by re-labelling them as something more socially acceptable.
By disguising ’abuse’ it is much easier to dismiss it, not respond to it, and by association dismiss or minimize the impact of abusive actions on victims. It is much easier to sweep abuse under the carpet or ignore it.
As a victim of abuse I feel a responsibility to talk frankly about abuse and call it what it is. With this goes a responsibility to not use the ‘abuse’ label without merit. If I do I think I dilute the power that lies behind the word ‘abuse’
I’d love to hear from you!!!!!! Please send your inspiration!!!!!!
Have a great day!
Marjorie
Ok, my comment for minimizing abuse is: Well, he does work really hard to keep food on the table and, pay the bills..I’m just way too sensitive.
thanks so much! Don’t you love how we use words to minimize abuse? I almost just minimized it by using ‘it’ instead of ‘abuse’ My we are creatures of habit!
I love your blog. I too have used these words and others to minimize the abuse that I went through. After all, he only hit me twice in 15 years, and threatened one other time, but didn’t hit. To this day, he has my children and uses them to continue his emotional onslaught by turning them against me with his new wife’s help. For years, I made excuses for him, saying he would be better when he got a better job, when we got a larger home, etc. It wasn’t until we had all of that and thigns still weren’t getting better that I realized it never was going to get better.
Thanks so much for adding your thoughts to our discussion. It is truly hard to take the dark glasses off and put the ‘abuse’ label on it especially when others are still minimizing it. When you take that stand it is often threatening to others because you are stepping out of the dynamic and that changes the playing field for everyone else. The others will often ramp up the pressure for you to step back back into your place in the dynamic. It takes tremendous courage to choose to step out of an abusive dynamic! You obviously have the courage! Good luck!
It wasn’t easy to step out of the abuse, and I still miss my children every day, but I keep praying for them, and let them know that I love them, at least when I’m allowed to talk to them. However, I’ve been extremely lucky, because I was able to get into a relationship shortly afterward with a man who values and repects me, and he has helped me through the hardest points. I still don’t know where I’d be without him.
Hi, it is hard to step out of abuse. Congratulations on taking the steps out! Hopefully your children will realize how much courage it took for you to it and will respect you for saying no to abuse! I am so glad that you have found someone who treats you the way you deserve! Joanne
We, as a society, have accepted some grave injustices to others, and it is my belief that the frequency of “acceptance” would decrease dramatically if we first begin to reject abuse in our own lives.
If we don’t take a stand “HERE” how is it possible to stand elsewhere?
Stop the abuse now by taking a stand now.
this is soooo great!!! loved it!
Welcome! Do you have any additions??? Joanne
This speaks so loud. Thank you for calling it for what it is.
Welcome Susan, I think calling what it what it is is the first step in resolving it.! Joanne
I used to rationalize my rape as it was my fault for wearing blouses and skirts that made me feel pretty. That I had to much make up on. I was my fault because I was too sexy as my rapist told me.
Sad thing is my rapist was my boyfriend who I trusted and loved. He took time to date me until I had sex with him and I was a virgin. After I found out I wasn’t the only one he did this too. I was upset but scared because he threatened to kill me if I told. Then he stalked me at every job and made sure I knew he was everywhere I was.
The rape happened at the age of 14 years old then at 15 I tried to reach out to a counselor and he found out and had a car run me down on my bike that left me in physical therapy for my back, to get movement in my ankles again, not to mention the pain my body experienced as I healed.
I told no one what happened to me and experienced the rape, stalking and know he had someone try to kill me. Kept it a secret until now age 35 years old.
Why do victim not tell? Are they afraid of the rapist but also are they afraid of what people with think of them after someone finds out about it?
For me it was that I was scared but also because my mother used to call my sister a slut, whore, bitch when she found out she had sex at 16 and here I am 14 years old.
I felt if I told my mom that I was raped I would get the same response. So I didn’t get medical attention, I just healed on my own suffering with the pain in the silence of my bedroom and bathroom at night when everyone was asleep.
I tried to rationalize my friends brothers molesting me and my friend as he learned it from his step dad because her dad also was sexually abusing her.
They are both sick they don’t mean to do it. When we tried to tell her mom about her father she didn’t believe us so we didn’t even try to tell about her brother.
This sexual abuse lasted for years. I again told no one what was happening to me so I suffered in silence. I was in second grade when it started.
People may ask why did you keep going to her house if you knew you would get sexually abused? Good question. It was out of survival because my parents didn’t have food in the house most of the time because my mom was an alcholic and the money went to her addtions first then food.
My friend knew this so after each abuse, she made she I was fed and taken care of before I went home.