I sit across from children and adolescents and see their enormous pain and confusion about their worlds. Some have been hurt physically, sexually or emotionally. Others have watched spousal abuse. Some have watched their parent or parents deal with substance abuse or mental illness. While others have experienced neglect. Whether the parent has left the home and in effect abandoned them or is in the home but not able to provide the love and caring that all children deserve, the impacts are equally devastating.
Yesterday I sat across from an adolescent and saw his pain. He could not talk about it but his silence and body language told the story. He thinks he is unlovable, deserving of the messages that he is ‘bad’, ‘stupid’, and ‘never going to amount to anything’; and responsible for the chaos in his home. What can I possibly tell this young man that he will hear and understand that he is deserving of all the good in life?
I remember me as a child, feeling unloved, unprotected from the abuse in my home, feeling responsible for the safety of my siblings and think about what somebody might have told me that would have helped me understand that I could make a choice to live a healthy, happy, and safe life. When I was a child it was just my life. I read in my books of others having different lives where their parents loved and cared for them. I read of parents who did not hit and yell at each other. I read of homes where dads did not come home drunk or bring their girlfriends home so their moms could cook them dinner. In my friend’s home I saw parents delighted to talk to their daughters about all the things they were doing, telling them they loved them, protecting them, and encouraging them to be all they could be. So I got glimpses of other ways of living but I don’t remember anyone actually telling me that it was possible for me.
So I sat facing this young man and told him that he was not responsible for the chaos in his home. It was not his fault that his mother had a drug abuse problem and had chosen to leave the family and marry another man who emotionally abused him. It was not his fault that his mother never included him in her new home and seldom saw him for more than a coffee. He was not responsible for his father’s inability to talk about how he felt towards him and show him love in a way that he understood. He was not ‘stupid’ nor ‘unlovable’. He still was not ready to talk about it but for a few minutes I saw him hold his head up, his eyes look into mine with some hope, and the expression of sadness lift. Maybe soon he will be able to talk about it. Maybe soon he can come to really believe that he deserves to live a healthy, happy, and loving life.
Joanne
Because I was so young (3 or 4) when the sexual abuse started it changed who I turned into. I don’t remember a life without the abuse. I will never know how I would of been.
hi BiPolar Queen, what a great observation. I am so sorry that you experienced abuse and at such a young age! You deserved a wonderful and safe childhood! It is impossible to know what you would have been without abuse! Wouldn’t it be great if we could hit an undo button? As you know that can not happen. However, I believe that we can move forward past the abuse to a life without abuse and live a happy, healthy life with wonderful caring people around us. No question that the scars may still be there though. I am so glad you wrote! I hope you find peace in your journey! Joanne
I’m sorry, I too was young when it started, and continued for a long time.That was then, this is now. You are a “survivor” now and no one or nothing can take that away fom you.Take that and begin to build the life you want. You are not alone anymore. You got all of us. Rest gently please,
I have suffered rape, sexual, physical, emotional abuse along with severe parental neglect.
I wrote a book that I hope to get published one day. I have finally stopped my silence on my blog http://silencednolonger.blogspot.com/
I often wondered who I would have been had the abuse not happened to me, so I do empathise with you BiPolar Queen. It’s a tough road to recovery, but there is hope if you can only find the right treatment. I had given up hope entirely and then I was give a number for a project that actually offers treatment of the induced trauma and it works
You may never find out who that child would have grown to be, BUT you can find your true self and can be contented and at peace with who you truly are. Good luck and keep looking for the right help…it will come 
ps am going on another retreat called Breaking Free Manor Retreat in the uk. I spent the whole wkend with other survivors, sharing a piece of our healing. Hopefully, there will be something near to where you live.
BiPolarQueen, I have often wondered the same thing. Who would I be if my dad hadn’t died when I was 2 and left me alone in an abusive home? Who would I be if I hadn’t been sexually abused all those times? While I will never know that answer this side of heaven, I do know that through the caring intervention of professionals and by turning to God for ultimate healing I have also found hope. I am strong now. I know I have worth. I know I matter just because I’m me and not because I can please someone else by allowing them to degrade me. You matter, too. Even if you stomped, spit on, defecated on, and crumpled a $100 bill, it would still be worth $100. You are a treasure no matter what you’ve been told or how you’ve been treated.