I know from experience how incredibly hard it is to come face to face with your own demons and look them in the eye. I am talking as much about facing who you are as a person, if not more, than what happens around you.

My personal demons were hard to look at. I did not like who I had become as a person.    At times I was judging people based on who I thought they should be or what they should be doing. Each of us filters what we see and hear based on what we have learned. If we all looked at and/or experienced the same situation we would all perceive it differently depending on the filters that we experience it though. My filters had become cloudy.

I had become inpatient with people who were not able or willing to take on their own challenges. Having had to learn to deal with abusive relationships,  injuries, and disabilities I fought to overcome the negative impacts. Although I did not always do this well I held myself to a high standard. There is nothing wrong with setting high aspirations for oneself or wishing good outcomes for others. However, I found I had become impatient with those who were not appearing to try to move forward. I had lost my compassion.

Maybe that is why fate provided some harsh experiences for me to cope with. In the process I was forced to clean my filters and see my own humanity when dealing with the ups and downs of life. It was painful but I came through it with renewed patience, empathy, and compassion for others as well as myself.

From this vantage point I dared to tackle changes that were incredibly scary for me and leave the security of a traditional job to venture into private practice. I was really afraid I would fall on my face but luckily it seems to have been an excellent move. I am challenged to be my best me as I work with others with new understanding of their struggles.

A year ago I could not have envisioned the opportunities for growth that this year would bring me. Now as we face a new year I do not know what lays ahead but I am ready to let it unfold with all the joys and challenges that are sure to follow.

To those who have supported me and walked beside me over the last year I sent my profound thanks. May all our adventures over the coming year  give us the opportunities to grow as we build a loving, caring community in which we live with respect for our humanity, individuality, and honoring our desire and right to live free of abuse. May this be this be a joyous year for each of you!

Joanne

I often ask people who they would like to be, what they would be doing, and who they would be sharing their lives with five years from now if there were no limits on them. Wave the magic wand and anything is possible!  Every once in a while it is wonderful to sit down with a quiet mind and a cup of tea and think about what your dreams are.

I found myself doing this in the early summer when I had the opportunity to look at my professional future.  Although I was really afraid, I allowed myself to dream. I was coming our of a very challenging work situation and as tough as it had been it allowed me to have a clearer vision of what I wanted for the future as well as what I didn’t want. Much of the direction I have taken in my life has been the result of my childhood experiences with abuse. I knew I did not want to continue to experience abuse. I dreamed of a life in which people treated each other with love, compassion, and respect; someone who loved me for who I was.  I dreamed of someday doing something that would help others who had been abused. I dreamed of having a cozy home in which I could find a safe refuge. It didn’t have to be fancy or big but it did need to provide me with safety. I dreamed of having lots of books to read and wonderful places to travel to. Those dreams remained in my mind’s eye and continue to be what I envision  today.

I wish it had been as simple as waving a magic wand for me to attain my dreams. It was often stormy as I began my journey out of abuse. My life was like a roller coaster. When things started going well I would sabotage it because I did not trust success and didn’t think I deserved it. I often slipped back to the young girl who thought it was my fault that my father abused my mother and that I experienced emotional abuse. Gradually I would get my confidence back and start moving towards my dreams again. Then I would hit another place where I would let my fear get the better of me. I have repeated this pattern many times in my life with the distance between the hills and valleys getting longer and the amount of incline and decline becoming less. Today I am fortunate to live my dreams. I have been fortunate but I doubt if I would be where I am if I had not had a vision of what I wanted my life to look like.

What are your dreams?

What is important to you?

If you could wave a magic wand and have the life you wanted what would it look like?

Sometimes when we think of our dreams they seem far to big and overwhelming. It may even seem hopeless but it isn’t. You, like me may not obtain them as soon as you dream them but, you can keep your dreams in your minds eye and start walking towards them. What small steps can you take towards your dreams? Those small steps add up and start compounding. Before you know it if you look at what you have accomplished you will find yourself moving towards your dreams and enjoying the journey.

We have magical abilities to create the realities we dream of if we believe and work towards those dreams!

Wishing you wonderful dreaming!

Joanne

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.” author unknown

I have been thinking a lot lately about the beauty of friendships!

I have talked to people who tell me about ‘friends’ who do horrible things to them. For some, ‘friends’ were partners in illegal actions and then told police that their ‘friend’ was the sole perpetrator. A ‘friend’ who gave a person a date rape drug. Another woman who had been raped by a person in her circle of friends and found that others in the group did not believe that it had happened. So she struggled for years with flashbacks, nightmares while at the same time she felt unsupported and at times laughed at by her ‘friends’. And yet she stood by them and although far less frequently, still socialized with them. She still considered them ‘friends’. I wondered what friendship meant to each of them.

I find it impossible to think of anyone who have been involved in such  horrendous actions as ‘friends’. A large part of my healing from abuse and living an abuse free life has been surrounding myself with people who I share mutual caring, trust, and support with; people who trust that the other would never do anything physically or emotionally harmful to them.  For me it the solid base I build my abuse free life on and I am blessed to have wonderful people around me.

For each of you I wish for you to know that you ‘deserve’ to have wonderful friends in your lives who respect, love, and honour you.

May you have friends who you can trust to tell your dreams, worries, joys and sorrows to.

May you have friends who ‘brighten your being’ and who you are willing to do the same for.

Joanne

Sometimes I pinch myself when I think of how far I have come from the days when I laid awake at night listening to the violent fighting on the lower floor or calling the police because my father is standing with his six foot plus frame bearing down on my mother’s throat. Whether I am marveling that I got the opportunity to have a loving marriage to the man who is my rock, to have a wonderful relationship with my sister, to have many cherished friends, to attend a highly sought after clinical program, or to repeatedly wander and explore beautiful parts of the world I feel forever grateful to the wonderful people who helped me see that my life could be different.

One of the most important people was a Guide leader who I met as a 10 year old. She has become dearer and dearer to me over the years. We have grown into more than friends. Now almost fifty years later she introduces my sister and I as her adopted daughters and we see her as our mother. On many Sunday afternoons we pass our time chatting away over the phone and love when we get a chance to get together (often at her favorite Chinese food restaurant).

I am so blessed to have the inspiration of this amazing woman in my life. Through her example I learned that a woman could be strong, loving, creative, and fun. With her no nonsense style she showed me no one had to live with abuse and encouraged me to be all I could be. I don’t think as a child I ever told her what was going on in my home and I am not sure how much she sensed. We didn’t need to talk about it. I learned that if it was really rough at home that I could call her and ask if she needed a babysitter and she would invite to stay with her family that weekend. It gave me a reprieve from whatever chaos was occurring at home and an incredible opportunity to see a loving family go about their daily lives. Through her example she lit a path through the clouds.

I try to never under estimate the power of words of encouragement, sharing my belief that people are able to rise above seemingly insurmountable challenges, or showing by example that we can build relationships and communities in which we treat each other with respect and kindness. Often we have no idea when these simple gestures make a difference in a person’s life. Many like me as a child, do not talk about the challenges they are facing, but they are taking in what they see and hear around them. We can all shine lights on others’ paths! You never know when you will be the one who helps someone find a way through his or her clouds of abuse. Let’s pay it forward!

Joanne

I have been lucky because my hearing has stayed stable since I initially lost it. However, recently I noticed I seemed to be having more difficulty so I had a hearing test. I have indeed lost hearing, enough to result in a mild to moderate hearing loss in my functioning ear. I was feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself and sent an email to a dear friend. Here is her response back to me……

Sorry that your hearing is suffering, but it may offer an unexpected benefit. Your job requires hearing and really listening. Your clients have your full attention, not only because they deserve it, but also because you MUST give it to them in order to actually hear them. Imagine how wonderful that must be for some of them to have someone pay such close attention to them. 

She wonderfully helped me see the silver lining in my hearing loss and she is right. I have found that my hearing problem helps me in my work. I do have to really listen to what someone is saying so they do get my undivided attention. It also changes the dynamic of the session because people I work with at times need to help me by repeating something or putting up with my Smart Pen (records conversation while I take notes; my favorite tool!!!!). As a result my therapy sessions are not one way help relationships. Probably one of the most powerful aspects of my hearing loss is that I model perseverance (most of the time), openness and acceptance of my challenges, a sense of humour about situations I find myself in, and creativity in finding solutions. Many times over the years this has helped others come to terms with their own challenges.  So while it would be great if I had normal hearing there has been a silver lining to being hard of hearing.

This little snippet from my life occurred at the same time that I have been thinking of the wonderful responses to my blog “We need to tell children experiencing abuse and neglect that they can choose to live differently”. Several of you have shared your experience of wondering who you would have been if you had not experienced abuse. I have picked up on grief, regret, and some anger in your responses. I get that because there have been many times that I have wondered the same thing. I have spent time (sometimes months and years) along the way feeling confused, sad, and angry due to my childhood life. However along the way I have discovered a silver lining to my experience. Don’t get me wrong it would have been better if I had had not experienced abuse but I have some powerful lessons as a result of it that have helped me move beyond abuse.   Here are just a few of the things I have discovered because of my past.

• I have learned powerfully how much I value wonderful friendships and relationships and how to surround myself with amazing caring non-abusive people.
• I have learned that I did not deserve to be abused; I was not responsible for the abuse or the abusers; and I am not ‘bad’ or ‘unloveable’ or any of the other things I thought of myself.
• I have have learned to recognize abuse in many forms and become a strong voice against abuse.
• I have been able to assist others in walking away from abuse and seeing themselves as the wonderful people they are.
• I have learned to trust my instincts.
• I have learned to be super observant (some might call it hypervigilant) which helps me daily in my work.
• I have learned that I can not only survive the challenges that are sent my way but thrive.
• I have learned that although I can’t change what happened that I can learn from my challenges and use what I learn in a more positive way.
• I have learned to look for the silver lining in my challenges.

Have a fantastic day! I hope you are able to find some silver linings of your own today! 

Joanne

She is now living an abuse free life, dancing around her apartment and humming as she drives!

June 21/11

The book of Encouragements* has been an incredible support. It so often
speaks right to where I am.

I am grasping at things to fill the void, but I’m still looking at
pleasing others not myself. When I try to think of what I want to do, what
I would enjoy – I come to a blank wall. I’ve spent so long pleasing others
that I can’t find me.

H0w do I want to spend the rest of my life?

How do I want to make a contribution in this life?

I’d like to take a road trip with Dad this summer.

I’d like to go with Carolyn to LLBean.

I’d like to go away with  Anne.

I’d like to take a Food handler’s Course.

I want my home to be a place where people feel free to call or stop in at
any time day or night.

June 28/11
From anger to frightened to calm.

Calm is good. I couldn’t talk to Nick from fear. I will do it from calm
and sad. Sad to see things end, but calm because I know I have made the
right decision.

*The writer is referring to Encouragements for the emotionally abused woman: Wisdom and hope for women at any stage of emotional abuse recovery by Beverly Engel

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us! Joanne

Yesterday I sat across from an adolescent and saw his pain. He could not talk about it but his silence and body language told the story. He thinks he is unlovable, deserving of the messages that he is ‘bad’, ‘stupid’, and ‘never going to amount to anything’; and responsible for the chaos in his home. What can I possibly tell this young man that he will hear and understand that he is deserving of all the good in life?

I remember me as a child, feeling unloved, unprotected from the abuse in my home, feeling responsible for the safety of my siblings and think about what somebody might have told me that would have helped me understand that I could make a choice to live a healthy, happy, and safe life. When I was a child it was just my life. I read in my books of others having different lives where their parents loved and cared for them. I read of parents who did not hit and yell at each other. I read of homes where dads did not come home drunk or bring their girlfriends home so their moms could cook them dinner. In my friend’s home I saw parents delighted to talk to their daughters about all the things they were doing, telling them they loved them, protecting them, and encouraging them to be all they could be. So I got glimpses of other ways of living but I don’t remember anyone actually telling me that it was possible for me.

So I sat facing this young man and told him that he was not responsible for the chaos in his home. It was not his fault that his mother had a drug abuse problem and had chosen to leave the family and marry another man who emotionally abused him. It was not his fault that his mother never included him in her new home and seldom saw him for more than a coffee. He was not responsible for his father’s inability to talk about how he felt towards him and show him love in a way that he understood. He was not ‘stupid’ nor ‘unlovable’. He still was not ready to talk about it but for a few minutes I saw him hold his head up, his eyes look into mine with some hope, and the expression of sadness lift. Maybe soon he will be able to talk about it. Maybe soon he can come to really believe that he deserves to live a healthy, happy, and loving life.

Joanne

Sometimes I meet people who are in such horrible pain that it oozes from them but who has such incredible fear of letting the pain out of their genie bottle that they hold it within them with fierce determination. Meanwhile, they are so unhappy with themselves, those they are in relationships with, and their lives that it is wonder they can get through their days. They are petrified of what might happen if they let their genies out of their bottles. Will they hate themselves more, find they are the horrible person they think they are, discover that they need to leave their spouse, find their children hate them, and the list goes on. The unknown is terrifying! Even though the pain they are holding on to  is destroying them  they fear that the unknown will be even worse.

But keeping the genie in the bottle takes a lot of energy and control. To keep it there they may need to take control over every aspect of their lives. Recently a woman who is going through this told me that she has to control everything to ensure that she can deal with whatever happens. For her Christmas was made up of horrible memories (like for many abuse survivors) that were so overwhelming that they immobilized her. She could not allow herself to ask her husband or children what they might like to do as part of their Christmas celebrations because if she allowed their input then she might have to do it and she was afraid she would not be able to. So she planned the celebrations in detail and kept the details to herself. That way if she is not able to follow through nobody but her would know.

When I tried to talk about the possibility that life might actually be better if she let some of the pain out she was sure I was lying. Many people had told her that before but no one had been able to help her find a safe place to work on her genie. So she came away from each therapeutic experience more convinced than ever that she had to keep the pain inside her where she felt it was ‘safe’.  How incredibly sad!

So here I am wondering how to help someone bottling their pain up to feel safe enough to start letting their genie out of the bottle even just a little bit. I know from my own experience and hearing many of yours that life can be so much better once you let the genie out. There is a life beyond the pain but telling someone that who is terrified that becomes just words.

Help me find ways to let people feel safe enough to deal with their pain.

Give me the patience to let people let their genies out on their own time lines.

Give me the wisdom and ability to assist each person in finding their own ways of coping with their genies in ways that work for them.

Give me the time to walk beside them on their journey instead of feeling like I have to pull them along their paths.

Joanne

I got to fess up! I have been sitting across from some amazing folks who are struggling with all sorts of psychological issues over the last couple of months. Some are abuse survivors while others are survivors of other types of trauma. It is a lot easier for me to walk beside others, seeing what might help, and providing support than it is to deal with my own crap.

I have been humbled by the courage of those I walk beside. However, I have been hit with the disconnect of me guiding them to well-being when I am still a work in progress. Well, let’s be honest. I think we are all works in progress and I hope I always am as I continue to learn and grow as a person, a survivor, and a clinician.  But really, how can I sit there visibly overweight while I counsel others on getting active and healthy? It strikes me that there may be a huge credibility gap! Sure I can talk about how I understand their struggle but if I can’t follow my own advise how can I expect others to want to?  Definitely time to walk the talk!

Ditto with regards to my mindfulness practice. I help others include various mindfulness practices (such as mediation and breathing work) into their daily lives because I know from first hand experience as well as from others’ experience that it works. But do I practice what I preach? You got it! Not nearly as much as I should. Walk the talk time!!!!!

So what do I do with a therapist who doesn’t walk the talk? Maybe I need you all to hold me accountable? Anyone got great strategies to stay on track?

Joanne

As I have talked to more abuse victims and read more about abuse I have learned what most of you probably already know. It is not the amount of abuse that dictates the potential impact on the victim. Instead it is a lot of other things like the victim’s ability to communicate what is happening, the social networks the person has, stress management, self-esteem, etc. One of the most powerful predictors of healthy outcomes is the quality of support around the person.

I know that I would not have been able to walk through the clouds of abuse if I had not had many people who walked beside me as I walked. They listened and encouraged me to keep walking when I didn’t see any sunlight peaking through the clouds. They did not judge me. When we walked together I was able to learn to believe in my ability to keep moving. Through my companions I learned about healthy relationships. To my many companions I am eternally grateful!

You would think with my own experience I would know how to walk beside others. Unfortunately I have to admit that as I walked into the sunlight I became quite arrogant about my ability to find an abuse free life. I reasoned that if I could do it everyone else should be able to.  At least that I was what I thought  until I found myself in another abuse scenario a couple of years ago and I had to face head on my own vulnerability.

Hopefully, I have now found the humility to do what so many did for me and walk gently with other survivors through their clouds while I listen, empathize and encourage them to take the next step.

Joanne